Why I haven't blogged as often

As I've mention recently, I've been getting more into the work of author and researcher Dr. Brene Brown. She focuses a lot of her work on the most core and essential human emotions and experiences, and how they can sometimes be flip sides of the same coin: shame, love, joy, worry, etc. They all come down in core (or at least how I interpret them) to vulnerability. In reading one of her books about whole-hearted living, The Gifts of Imperfection: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life, I began thinking of my own struggles with perfection, and owning "being smart" as a core personality trait. I'll go into more on that later, but through that experience I realized that I don't think my blog or what I have to say is ever "good enough" so why bother posting it. But let's be real, this is a creative outlet and nothing more. I'm not a "blogger", I'm not trying to make money or have pictures that look perfect. I just like sharing my thoughts, my experiences and some creative ideas I may have from time to time. I'm in no way shape or form a theologian or even remotely experienced in working in ministry. I'm a Catholic girl in her mid-twenties in graduate school, and this is just my life right now and what I'm thinking and experiencing.

I write because it helps me to process through big ideas, to slow my mind and body down enough to get words on paper (or screen) in an organized fashion that helps me to make sense of it all. I feel like my processing things out and posting them, not only does it hold me accountable to work through some of the bigger topics in life, but also maybe my processing may help someone else see something more clearly.

I've decided to write regardless if anyone reads. If you have thoughts or questions, I will always try to answer, but this isn't a business or a full-time gig, so I'm just going to let it be what it is for now. On that note I have to go, I should probably be doing homework or research or something right now. #graduateschoolproblems

Or maybe I'm just going to Disney World again :D

A Lenten Reflection

"But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you."

-Matthew 6:6

As I was praying before Ash Wednesday mass yesterday, before I even realized the contents of the Gospel reading, I was thinking about shame and why we sometimes hide our faith.  I've been reading a lot about vulnerability and whole-hearted living, a focus of the work of storyteller and researcher Brene Brown (more about her work later), I was thinking about shame in response to the things we keep private about our faith. There is a difference, I believe, between keeping our prayer, fasting and alms giving secret in order to be humble and not boastful, and keeping our faith private because we are scared of societies judgement.

NAS: But first....Let me take a Selfie

Link up with Jen and Morgan for this great series!

Do you support the selfie trend? Do you think it promotes self absorption, vanity and narcissism? Is there a way to incorporate selfies into the Church's teachings of modesty, authentic beauty, humility?Thanks to Hannah!

Not gonna lie, not a fan of the "selfie", Whether it is the song "but first....lemme take a selfie" or the never-ending parade of pictures on Instagram. 

I love pictures. Many a turned-around camera self picture has been taken in the hopes of not missing out on a memory, usually to capture who I was with or what I was witnessing around me.

Selfie overlooking the Copenhagen skyline

Back in the day, the "selfie" was when you turned the camera around in order to get everyone in a picture but there was no extra person to take it. It's purpose was to include everyone and make a memory. Even the occasional solitary self-taken picture was to savor a moment in which no one else was able to take the picture.  I'm all for documenting memories to live on. 

I'm not a big fan of the selfie just for the sake of having a picture of yourself, especially when posted on social media. I believe in the importance of feeling confident yourself and how you look, but the I see the posting of "selfies" of just yourself comes from the need for approval from others regarding our looks and our lifestyles. 

Selfie while walking El Camino de Santiago

Now, I completely fall prey to pruning my social media accounts to display my ideal self. I don't think anyone wants to feel like they look "bad" in their pictures, but I've realized there is a line between deciding what you want displayed and what you think should be displayed. The thought process of this picture makes me look this way or if I post this picture then it looks like I am fulfilled in this area of my life can trap us into hiding who we truly are, of hiding a true beauty. 

We don't need the others to assure us of that beauty. 

Page through the Bible, especially Song of Songs and discover gems like this one:

"You are beautiful in every way, my friend, there is no flaw in you!"

Song of Songs 4:7

We need to use the selfie to capture more memories, more joy. Memories with friends, an experience of a lifetime, a moment of bliss. If we could use selfies to promote the joy of living  full lives with Christ instead of using them to promote living lives full of ourselves. 

I'm challenging myself to re-evaluate the selfie, will you?

joy

While I was in Mass this evening, I was reflecting on the difference between joy and happiness after receiving communion. I am happy with my life now. I really like my job and find a great deal of fulfillment with my work. I like where I live, the trips I get to take, the friends I get to see. My family is healthy and I get to visit and communicate with them often. I really have nothing to complain about. However when I was in Mass, kneeling after receiving His Body and Blood, I couldn't think of the last time I was truly joyful, truly filled with a sense of wonder and awe. I realized that the last long stretch of time that I truly felt joyful was in college when I was extremely involved with my college campus ministry group. Sure, I was crazy stressed at certain points and I may not have been happy with everything that came my way, but I experienced true moments of Joy brought by God, whether in a Bible study, on a retreat, in Adoration or teaching at Sunday school. There have been fleeting times since, but I think I lost track of joy and what joy truly was to cultivate and appreciate it. Joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, and as this super reliable website says, " The "fruit" is the product of the Holy Spirit's cultivation of character in a heart." Joy doesn't come from worldly things, from accomplishments, achievements and the things we acquire. Joy is a gift that comes from cultivating something within our hearts. Joy comes from God within ourselves, not from outside sources. Over the past few weeks, I'm been realizing more and more of my need and desire to come back to the heart of it all, to the heart of worship, to the heart of Jesus, and it is then, when I come back to Him, that I will find my joy.

The Power of Vulnerability

If you look up the definition of vulnerable, it isn't very pretty. Oxford English Dictionary defines vulnerable as "susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm," coming from the Latin vulnerare which means "to wound." When thinking about vulnerability, it always is a word that makes me feels like squirming around in my chair. It is difficult because it exposes us, scrapes away our perfection shells and exposes the hidden scars.

It makes us uncomfortable.

It makes me uncomfortable.

I fully place myself into the category of perfectionist. I also place myself in the category of being guarded and difficult to get to know. I am fully aware that the two work hand in hand to beat back vulnerability. I'm difficult to get to know because I am a perfectionist who only wants certain pre-approved bits of knowledge to get out. I'm a perfectionist because I even if I want people to get to know me I am desperately afraid of them getting to know me.

Dr. Brene Brown talks about vulnerability and how those who she found lived the most "whole-hearted" life embraced vulnerability and realized that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. These people shared the traits of courage, compassion and connection as well: The courage to tell the story of who they truly are with their whole hearts, the compassion to be kind to yourself first and then to others and a level of connection with others that was a result of authenticity. The lived from who they truly were even though they risk the unknown and the uncontrollable.

As a society, we numb vulnerability and push away things that may cause us pain. We drink, we eat for the sake of eating, we engage in meaningless sex and we binge watch Netflix for hours to avoid and distract us from the reality in front of us. We try to make the uncertain certain in order to control outcomes. We prefect in order to disguise. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on the people around us. We don't realize that by protecting ourselves we end up hurting other people.

Vulnerability entails a lot of trust. Trust that we can let ourselves be seen and handle whatever may come of that. Trust that if we love with our whole hearts and end up heartbroken, that we can bounce back. Trust that we are enough.

I'm taking on vulnerability as my word of 2015. It is the year I turn 25 and is the year I was to discover who I am and let that be known to the world.

It's so not going to be easy. It's so not going to be pretty.

But I'm betting it will be one heck of a journey.

I found Dr. Brene Brown through a guest post by Maxie McCoy on my favorite blog, The College Prepster, called "A perfectionist's Guide to the Holidays".  Below is Dr. Brown's Ted Talk: The Power of Vulnerability